


3 Songs for Connor (Part 1)

by waitshewrites



Series: 3 Songs for Connor [1]
Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Secret Relationship, Tronnor, YouTube, trxye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-24
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-14 12:50:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2192475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waitshewrites/pseuds/waitshewrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In 2014, Connor and Troye are still testing out their relationship, reluctant to let anyone know about them. As Connor attempts to sort out his sexuality and happiness, Troye's music career only begins. This is the story of 3 times Troye wrote for Connor- Happy Little Pill, Touch, and Gasoline- and 3 times they had to salvage their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Night In San Francisco

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I am completely aware that Troye most likely did not write TRXYE for Connor. In no way am I trying to undermine my respect for the beautiful ep Troye has given us.  
> This is purely for fun, because I thought it was cute, but it is undoubtedly fiction. 
> 
> Also, this is Tronnor in an established but secret relationship so there’s lots of fluff.  
> Enjoy! This will be chaptered!

**Part 1: Happy Little Pill**

**January 25th, 2014**

9 pm. Troye jumped on his bed and pulled his laptop onto his stomach- eagerly opening Skype, right on time."Con-con!! _Hi_ baby!" And then the screen loaded. "Wait, holy shit, what's wrong?"

Back in Los Angeles, Connor froze. Suddenly aware that he didn't look his best, Connor was wrapped in a massive sweatshirt, with his hair unstyled and dark circles under his eyes.

"Nothing, I'm all good." Connor offered a weak smile, fingers crossed below the camera's realm of vision as a pit formed in his stomach.

Troye sat up, looked straight into the camera, and slowly enunciated,  "Connor, what's going on?"

Connor took a deep breath, he hadn’t fooled Troye and anyways, he hated lying to Troye. Troye was the only one who really knew Connor, who knew about his fluctuating sexuality, who knew how to read him like a book. "I'm, Um, I'm not happy." Connor looked up and recognized the terror in Troye's face, "No, not with us. God, please Troye don't even think that way. I'm not happy with YouTube."

Troye visibly relaxed, "Con..."

"I know. It's sounds so ungrateful-"

"It doesn't!"

"It does. I have over 1.5 million subscribers and all I can think about is how great it would be if I didn't have to make two videos tomorrow."

"So don't."

"Oh, don't say that to me, Troye," Connor sighed.

Troye leaned in closer to the screen, "Why not? Your health comes first and you don't look so great. Uh, I mean, sorry, it's just, I want you to be happy."

Finally, Connor smiled, partially at Troye’s awkwardness. "And  _I_   want you to be here."

"Soon." Troye smiled, allowing Connor to change the subject as he launched into details of their San Francisco trip with Tyler. Troye laughed along, but he couldn't unsee that recurring sad side of Connor.

When a video came out two days later, a text followed the video’s notification. “That’s that.”

Connor’s resignation was tangible; Troye replied, “You ok?”

“Sure.” Connor replied unconvincingly.

 _Two weeks_ , Troye thought, itching to hold his boyfriend.

**********

  
 **February 8th**

_I knew it._ Tyler thought to himself smugly. Connor had seemed especially gleeful since they had gotten in the car. Smiling and drumming his fingers, Connor kept leaning forward against the wheel, willing the car to go faster as he pushed the speed limit. In the airplane, Connor was all too reluctant to put his phone away after consistently checking it as often as he could. He didn’t settle until he spotted Troye waiting for them at baggage claim.

  
And then Connor was running. He pulled Troye into a smothering hug, his strong arms gripping the younger boy, practically lifting Troye off the ground. Tyler didn’t say a thing, busying himself with his phone as he waited for a hug. “Hey _you_.” Tyler grabbed Troye, avoiding eye contact with Connor so that he could collect himself.  
“Well, come on, I have so much to show you.” Tyler headed off, deliberately ignoring the sheepish stares from Troye and Connor. No, he wouldn’t say anything, Tyler decided, he didn’t know where the two stood with each other.

  
But as the day continued, it became harder for Tyler to appear blissfully oblivious. Connor loudly laughed at everything Troye said, while Troye grinned at the ground and shuffled his feet. When Connor went to go see something, Troye was barely a step behind him. They both kept their hands shoved deep into the jacket pockets, yet they seemed to touch whenever they could. All of a sudden, Connor would decide that Troye’s hat was skewed, adjusting it gently and in the process caressing more of Troye’s cheek than a beanie necessitated. Or Troye would need to smooth Connor’s sweatshirt, hands moving slowly down from the shoulders down to the center of Connor’s core. Every time they stood opposite each other, movements halted as their eyes met. There was this perfect instant, before one would remember that they were in the middle of a busy street, and they'd both glance around nervously. Every time, Tyler would pointedly go off in another direction, completely over the moon for his friends.

  
Tyler didn't necessarily want to force his friends to come out to him, especially Connor who really took him by surprise ( _wasn't Connor straight?_ ). Rather, Tyler was going to push them closer: give them as much alone time as possible and simultaneously feel out how far along their relationship was. Hence, it was no coincidence he chose a cozy winery for dinner.

Running to sit next to Troye's brother, Tyler left only two seats open. Even though the booth was immense, Troye and Connor sat shoulder to shoulder, each with their inside hand under the table...

"Jamie!!" Tyler jumped up from the seat he had just recently sprang on in order to hug their waiter.

"Hey man. Good to see you. What'll it be?"

"Hmm, I think a bottle of my favorite red wine will do, thank you."

Jamie eyed Troye, calculating his age, " _Alrighty_ Tyler..."

By the end of the meal, Tyler had his friends fairly buzzed. Troye was leaning on Connor's shoulder as Connor grinned widely, looking down through his lashes, studying Troye's every feature. _Wow. One more minute and he might jump Troye_ , Tyler thought. Making his move, Tyler faked a complaint that he needed a room on the hotel's first floor so maybe he should stay in Troye's brother’s room instead. Tyler had assumed the crowd wasn't sober enough to see through his transparent lie. But Troye appeared completely aware as he softly stated, "Ok, I'll room with Connor."

**********

As soon as the room's door was closed, they pounced on each other. Their kiss was urgent and hungry. Connor's hands laced around Troye's neck as Troye's gripped Connor's waist. They swayed slightly, barely out of the doorway.

Connor bit Troye’s bottom lip, pulling away to make eye contact. Both were breathing heavily, pupils dilated with need, hearts racing. Connor kissed the corner of Troye’s mouth, moving across his jawline, and down to work on his neck. Stopping before he could truly make a mark, Connor moved to hover by Troye’s ear. “I’ve been wanting to kiss you all day,” Connor whispered, his breath hot on Troye’s neck.

“What about you? Looking _so_ _good_ in a fucking _sweatshirt_. Do you know what that does to me?” Troye replied with a smirk.

Again, their lips crashed together. Every touch felt red hot. Neither could get enough. Everything was fast, needy, and passionate. Connor pushed off Troye's beanie, roughly running his hand through Troye's hair. Troye began to tug at Connor's sweatshirt, hands moving up Connor's undershirt. Connor stepped back and removed both layers. Without even thinking, Troye followed.

As they restarted their kiss, Connor backed them up towards the bed. "Ow!" Their foreheads collided as Troye fell on top of Connor, the two tumbling onto a protruding corner of the bed. The bed was closer than they’d expected.

Sitting up, Troye burst out laughing. The older's eyes had shifted from lustful to concerned in seconds, and it was the cutest thing to Troye.

"I'm fine, con."

Connor leaned in and kissed Troye’s forehead softly, pulling Troye against his chest as they sat on the edge of the bed. No one spoke as their breathing calmed- they didn’t have to. They both knew they were thinking the same thing, _I could stay here forever._

They slept in the same bed that night, curled against each other. Troye wore Connor’s t-shirt because he had forgot to move his luggage in their urgency to be alone. Admittedly, the t-shirt was too big for skinny Troye- even though he was taller- but Connor thought the size difference was extremely endearing. He had laughed before saying softly, “None of my ex-girlfriends would wear my clothes.”

When they turned the lights out, Connor wrapped his arms around Troye and nestled his head in the crook of Troye’s neck as Troye giggled. No one cared that the bed was too small. After months apart, they cherished the closeness.

\


	2. You Just Have to Want Me

**February 9th**

Troye woke up to a slightly colder bed, and lay there smiling as he listened to the sound of the shower running. Someone knocked on the door, so Troye stretched in bed before rising to get it. Connor, who had just finished his shower, popped his head out of the slightly open bathroom door. “Aw man, is someone there?”

“Yea, why?” Troye said, stopping to peck Connor on the lips.

“I sort of forgot to bring clothes into the bathroom with me.”

The knocking on the door became heavier, “Yo! Twinks! What’s taking so long?” Troye opened the door, letting Tyler in. “Scared of me, Franta?”  Tyler laughed; Connor’s face, still peeking around the bathroom door, looked a bit like a deer in headlights.

“I, uh, left my clothes in my suitcase.”

“So come out and get ‘em. You have a towel, or better yet let us gays enjoy the view.”   Horrified, Troye did his best to mask his possessive thoughts. But he wasn’t quick enough for Tyler who only laughed louder, really having fun.

“Connor, it’s ok, I got it,” Troye assured, and Connor was clearly relieved. Troye opened Connor’s suitcase, and Tyler noted how casually he sifted through Connor’s underwear. Troye chose a tight, green, long-sleeve shirt, one of his favorites. His favorite of Connor’s jeans was underneath everything, but when Troye yanked them out, he heard a rattling sound from somewhere in the bottom of the suitcase.

“ _Troye_! I’m cold.”

“C-Coming.” Troye grabbed the stack of clothes and slammed the suitcase shut.

When the bathroom door closed again, Troye didn’t have a moment to think. Tyler was already teasing, “Nice shirt, Troye Boy.”

“Oh, um, yea, um.” Troye’s face turned pink.

“Looking for this?” Tyler stepped aside revealing the suitcase which, quite frankly, was big enough that Troye should have already seen it.

“Oh, thanks Ty.” Troye bit his lip, his hand continually combing his hair as his searched through his clothes with the other. Tyler didn’t know how much longer he could hold his peace: Troye’s mind was clearly in another place. It was a lot easier for Tyler to let them be when Troye was happy, yet right now Tyler couldn’t read Troye at all.

**********

Troye came out of the bathroom washed and dressed 40 minutes later. A little post-it note was on the untouched pillow of “his” bed.

“ _We couldn’t wait, sorry. We’re hungry and you take forever. Come down to the lobby for breakfast when you finally finish with your mother freaking hair. – Tyler_ ”

But on the back, in different, rushed handwriting:

“ _Sorry babe! Tyler’s so stubborn. XX_ ”

At breakfast, Troye was disappointed to see Tyler in the only seat next to Connor and that the table was strangely quiet. Connor was hunched over his phone, but the screen was blank; he was just drumming an inconsistent rhythm on the surface. As Troye sat down, everyone finally looked up. Connor straightened his back and gave a small smile. Tyler looked up from his tumblr feed, “ _Finally_. He’s arrived. Thanks for gracing us with your presence.”

“Very funny, Tyler.” Troye rolled his eyes, trying to lighten the mood.

Troye’s brother, Steele, stepped in, “Seriously, Troye, we have to be at Twitter in a half hour. You gotta eat later.”           

 On the way out, Connor slipped a granola bar into Troye’s pocket, but said nothing more.

Thankfully, the laughter picked up again in the car.

“And there’s so much more for you guys to see! Oh! And Troye, you’re coming back to L.A. with us right?” Tyler knew what he was doing. If Troye didn’t come back to L.A., what would happen to his new favorite ship?  He wasn’t going to give up the role of matchmaker so soon.

“Yep, no worries, Tilly. Steele can’t, though.”

“Sorry man.” Steele added.

“No hard feelings. Where’re ya staying, Troye Boy?”

Tyler nearly shrieked with triumph when he saw Troye glance at Connor. “Um, just a hotel.”

“You _could_ stay with me.” Tyler prodded.

“Thanks Tilly, but it’s a really nice hotel, and the label’s paying for it…” Troye lied.

“Ok, well you’ll just have to escape this superior hotel to come to mine for a collab. I have such a great idea. I can just see the Troyler shippers going mad over it.”

“Oh?” Connor spoke for the first time.

Nonetheless, Tyler directed his next quip at Troye, “The boyfriend tag. It’ll be perfect.”

**********

**1 Hour later**

"He knows." Connor whispered hoarsely to Troye.

Troye turned to Connor confused, "What?"

They were in the long halls of the Twitter building, walking about 10 paces behind their tour guide, Tyler, and Steele. 

"I think Tyler knows about us." 

Troye couldn't fathom why Connor was so anxious. It was only Tyler. _Tyler_. As in his Ty, his Tilly. Yet, Connor's face was drained and pallid, as he stared intensely at the ground. 

"Connor?" Troye asked softly.

"Mm?" Connor studied the tiled floor as they walked. He looked kind of folded into himself, deflated.

"Con-con?” Troye murmured. “Con, look at me!"

Connor finally peeled his eyes away from the ever so interesting floor. 

Troye implored, "What happened? You have to tell me. Because as far as I can tell it’s just Tyler we're talking about and what's the worst he would do?" 

"Ok, yeah you're right." Connor took a deep breath, "Nevermind."

"No." Troye said firmly. "I want to know what happened."

When Troye met Connor's eyes, Connor softened. "Ok. But not here.  

"Hey guys?" Troye called up to the front of the group, "Connor and I are heading to the bathroom."

Tyler waved them on, and they turned around. 

Troye patiently waited until they passed a good 20 offices – Troye counted- and went around a corner.

"The truth, _please_."

Of course, Connor couldn't deny Troye anything. "I don't know. I mean, ugh I'm going to sound so stupid." 

Troye sat on the floor, cross legged, "Try me."

Connor joined him on the floor, as Troye reached out his hand and squeezed Connor’s restless one.

“He just kept saying, ‘Wow, Troye knows what looks good on you,’ ‘Troye took care of you there,’ ‘Troye made his bed _perfectly_ didn’t he?’”

“That’s weird. But he’s not going to do anything with that information.”

“Probably not. But it-” Connor hesitated and then rushed into the real problem, “It got me thinking, if we were to come out, everyone would want a label from me. _Tyler_ will want a label from me.  And I’m not ready to give one.”

“So you’re not ready. Didn’t matter yesterday, doesn’t change anything now.” Troye wanted his words to mean more than this; he didn’t feel as though the battle was won. Troye spoke clearly but quietly, “Con, you don’t have to be gay; you just have to want me.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Oh, fucking hell, Con-con. Only _I_ get to say those things. _I_ _want_ you. Every piece. I want this piece here” –Troye kissed his hand – “and here” – Troye kissed his forehead – “and here” – Troye kissed his cheek – “and here.” Troye sighed, kissing Connor on the lips. He may not have a way with words outside of music, but that kiss said it all. Slow and sweet, the taste lingered on their lips as both pulled away smiling.

“Thanks. I’m sorry that I’m an idiot.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Can we still-“

“- keep it quiet around Ty?”

“Yeah.” Connor’s cheeks burned with embarrassment.

“Of course, if you kiss me again.” But Connor was more than happy to oblige.

 

**********

The next few days, Tyler became increasingly frustrated by the new physical distance between his best friends. He tried to get them drunk again, but Troye told the waiter he was underage and Connor volunteered to be the designated driver. He “forgot” to get them once for breakfast, but if they had a nice morning in bed (as they truly did), he couldn’t see a change in behavior after. Impatient, Tyler began to rile up his Troyler fans. He provided cute pictures of him and Troye, knowing that neither Troye nor Connor could so much as log onto Twitter without seeing the shippers’ theories. Nothing. The Boyfriend Tag would have to come sooner than he thought.

Tyler had no idea he was worrying about the wrong thing.

Connor and Troye curled up every night together. There were numerous kisses and laughs behind closed doors. Connor needed to ensure that Troye knew he was questioning himself, not them as a couple. He acted even cuter than usual: pulling Troye into hugs from behind or wrestling for the remote just to touch him. It never mattered who won the fight, because they sure weren’t watching the TV when they could be making out.

Indeed, Tyler had nothing to worry about. Troye, however, was constantly on edge. When Connor looked in the opposite direction, Troye examined his expression’s every crinkle. He understood that Connor was happy with him, but one thing nagged at the back of his mind. He thought he knew what the sound from the suitcase had been…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Happy Frantastic Monday! I think Tyler and Connor tried to kill us all with their videos today.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this! It was so hard but fun to write.  
> I appreciate all feedback.


	3. The Boyfriend Tag

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Troyler shippers: please don't take offense to the way the Boyfriend Tag plays into the storyline.  
> This is purely fictional, and I too love that video. I just like this idea of fitting Tronnor into events as they were in 2014, rather than in an AU.
> 
> Special thanks to Fran for her support! 
> 
> Enjoy!

**February 13 th**

Tyler, Troye, and Connor were in the airport waiting to board the plane back to Los Angeles. They had already said good bye to Troye’s brother the night before, and it was now 6 in the morning- way too early for any of the three. As Tyler went to get coffee, Connor and Troye settled into seats, chatting about the sleeping arrangements in the O2L house.

“Kian, Ricky, and J.C. are going to be so loud you know.”

Troye laughed, “I have 3 siblings Connor.”

“I know, but they’re like really loud.” Connor leaned into Troye’s shoulder, walking his fingers up and down Troye’s thigh. They watched Connor’s fingers quietly for a little while, before Connor spoke again. “My room’s really big so there’s definitely room for a second bed.”

“We’re not really going to use the second bed, are we Con-con?” Troye picked up Connor’s fingers and wove his own into the spaces. A perfect fit.

“That line took forever!” Tyler declared, coming up from behind them. Troye and Connor sprung apart instantly. “Coffee for you. And coffee for you.” Tyler said, without a hint of amusement or curiosity in his voice. “I thought I was going to miss boarding, I was there so long.”

Everyone knew what Tyler had seen, but no one seemed particularly keen to have that discussion now. So they all sipped their drinks quietly, until they were called to board the plane.

Troye was sitting behind Connor and Tyler, and without the distraction of conversation,  he quickly fell asleep.

 _Ok, Now or Never._ Connor thought, turning to Tyler. He'd given this a lot of thought and decided the feeling of being constantly on edge around Tyler was becoming disruptive. He really wanted to repay Troye for the constant toleration of his freak outs as well. “Tyler, have you noticed anything different with me and, uh-” Connor hoped Tyler would jump in and save him the explanation, but Tyler just sat there, silently, giving Connor his full attention. “with me and Troye?”

“Oh, thank _god_. I really thought you guys were just going to tease me this whole vacation.”

Connor laughed nervously, “So you did know!”

“The thirst between you two is real, lemme tell you.”

Connor turned red, “We’re not that bad.”

“No, you two are freaking adorable.”

They both faced forward again, Connor started his music, and Tyler picked up a magazine- the conversation seemingly over. A minute later, however, Tyler tapped on Connor’s hand. Connor removed his headphones, “Yeah?”

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Connor resisted the urge to make a sarcastic comment or laugh it off. “Yeah, Ty, I know.”

And that was that. Connor was relieved he didn’t have to give any labels or explanations. Tyler understood, and he was just content to be in the loop again with his best friends. When the plane landed, they told Troye that Tyler knew; Troye seized Connor in a huge hug, pulling Tyler in only a moment later.

**********

After a long day, Troye and Connor parted ways with Tyler, who was now officially informed that Troye was staying with Connor.

“Welcome to mi casa.” Connor dropped his bag in the entrance and held the door for Troye. “It’s as much my home as yours.” Connor gave Troye a chastise kiss. The door closed with a thud summoning the voices that soon rang through the house.

“Are they home?” Kian called.

“Connor’s home!” J.C. screamed.

Ricky appeared at the top of the stairs, running down to them, “Yeah, they’re here!”

There were bear hugs and small talk, but it was obvious Troye was about to pass out. Connor broke up the party, showing Troye to his room.

“Troye, we haven’t worked out where you’re sleeping. There’s a huge couch in the living room, if you want it.” Ricky offered.

“Nah, he can stay with me,” Connor said, “I’ll go find the air mattress.”

**********

 Connor cracked the door open to his own bedroom, holding the plastic mattress; everything was still. There was already a cute, skinny boy fast asleep in his bed. Connor didn’t bother blowing up the air mattress: he didn’t want to wake Troye. Instead, he changed into pajama bottoms, took off his shirt, and climbed into bed. He carefully wrapped one arm around Troye’s middle and pulled him closer. His eyes adoringly raked over Troye- loving his now floppy quiff, his still eyes and long lashes, his pouty bottom lip, his small-ish frame, his little tummy peeking out of the shirt that had been hiked up by Connor’s embrace. _It’s worth it._ He told himself. _You don’t know what you’re doing here. But it’ll be worth it._

**********

**February 14 th**

Connor woke up early the next day and stumbled downstairs to make coffee. Ricky was making waffles, “I want a family breakfast,” he declared.

“I’m not moving ‘til this cup is finished.” Connor was useless without coffee, so Ricky ran throughout the house, shouting for everyone to get up already.

“Something wrong with the air mattress?” Ricky asked, “You didn’t blow it up.”

“No, Troye fell asleep in my bed and,” Connor stopped himself, _shit_ , “I couldn’t really sleep so I just… stayed up on tumblr all night.”

A smirk played on Ricky’s lips, “Okay. Sounds about right.”

And then everyone was in the kitchen. Troye beamed at everyone, “Morning.” He walked over to Connor, who in turn moved swiftly out of his seat, out of Troye’s reach.

“Morning.” Connor said simply. “Sit down, guys, I’ll get plates.”

Connor continued to avoid looking directly at Troye or answering him specifically. It hit Troye that they hadn’t discussed beyond what Connor had told Tyler, which in short was _nothing_. Disappointed, Troye realized they might not have made as much progress as he thought. This was worse than San Francisco where Tyler gave them space and a separate hotel room. Here, they were always one room over from the people who knew Connor almost as well as he did. _But why was Connor ashamed of him?_

Troye announced he was going to Tyler’s to film today, and he was sorry he couldn’t hang out. Without giving Connor a chance to respond, Troye thanked Ricky for breakfast and went back to Connor’s room.

Troye was checking his outfit in the mirror when Connor came in. “You look good.” Connor said, flopping on the bed.

“Oh, now you’re talking to me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Connor, you know very well what I’m talking about. And I’m sick of it. You are literally hot and cold depending on who’s in the room.”

“You said no labels yet!” Connor stood up, shocked, hurt, angry. "Every new person to know about us is one more person who's going to interrogate me. Even just Ricky."

“I don't know what happened this time but I _never_ know where we stand. First you couldn't tell Tyler, until all of a sudden you did. Now you can’t tell your best friends. I thought I knew you. And I thought you knew what you were doing with me.” Troye huffed, “Whatever, I have somewhere to be.”

“I’m coming.”

“No, you have a video to make.” With that Troye left. He wished he could say he felt better or that he'd gotten it all off his chest, but the sour taste in his mouth begged to differ.

**********

Troye willed himself to perk up as he knocked on Tyler’s door. His mind made up, anger fueling his actions, Troye was determined to make this the cutest Troyler video ever made. He wanted Connor to see that he too could throw around the meaning of boyfriend. Maybe it was a step too far, but Troye had decided that he was also going to do face painting with Tyler even though he had suggested it to Connor for their own future collab.

At the start of the tag, Troye acted extra cute, and may have glanced at Tyler too much for too long on purpose. He really tried to play it up, but as the video went on little things caught his attention. He couldn’t stop himself from thinking about Connor.

 _Connor_ knew the color of his eyes.

 _Connor_ loved when he was “so fucking cheesy.”

And pretty soon, it wasn’t even actual comparisons that made him feel bad. (Because in all honesty, Tyler did know him and was a great friend.) Soon, Tyler only had to say “Tumblr” and Troye’s mind would betray him.

Yet Troye’s back was against the wall. He had walked out on Connor, and the only filming supplies he’d brought were for face painting. Troye wasn’t proud of it, but he filmed the video anyways.


	4. The First Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'M SORRY.
> 
> Tw: drug use

**February 15th**

Troye fell asleep at around 4 am on Tyler's couch. Losing track of the time, they'd both stayed up editing and eating on Tyler's living room floor.

It wasn't until 2 in the afternoon that Troye rose, limbs aching from the awkward position he'd slept in. Troye hadn't woke up on his own, rather a small blond man had decided to pelt him with couch cushions repeatedly. "TROYE!! Troye Sivan." Tyler poked him in the cheek. "Get up if you want to eat."

Troye groaned, " _Ty._ How about I stay here and open my mouth wide?"

"Oh, so I can feed you, big daddy?" Tyler teased.

"I was thinking you could throw the food into my mouth from the counter like in basketball."

"And what do _you_ know about sports?!" Tyler pointed out, thus forcing Troye to get himself up.

Over eggs and bacon, Troye and Tyler discussed uploading their videos. "I've finished editing, I just need a thumbnail. We can upload as soon as you're done."

"Tilly, you _know_ I've already finished. _I'm_ waiting for _you_."

"Well then you can keep waiting, I have to do the dishes." Tyler whined. And so, as usual, Troye ended up creating Tyler's thumbnail. Within a few hours, their videos were ready to go up.

Troye's phone buzzed. "What do I say in the tweet with the video’s link?" Troye asked, looking up from his phone, chewing his lip.

"Something about getting messy." Tyler loved to play with the minds of his viewers in those short seconds before they clicked the link.

"Yeah, but it has to be playful."

Another buzz.

"Use #troyler?" Tyler suggested, wondering why Troye was thinking so hard about a tweet.

Troye shrugged, "Yeah, ok."

They sat on the couch, drinking beer, tweeting, and, of course, promoting their videos which earned a colossal _three hundred and one_ views in a matter of seconds.

 At 8:30 pm, Tyler got up to order pizza. "You staying?"

"Yeah." Troye confirmed without any second thoughts. Tyler slowly retracted his hand from his cell, pausing before asking, "Did anything _happen_ between you and him?"

 They were on opposite sides of Tyler's living room; Troye looked up from his laptop. The air was thin, as they just watched each other warily.

"We're fine." Troye said curtly, breaking the silence.

"You haven't seen him in almost two days, and you have no dinner plans. Yet for the past two weeks, the two of you were struggling to keep your hands off of each other. Something's up. You're ignoring him." Tyler crossed his arms, waiting. 

Troye chose his words very carefully, not because he didn't want another enemy but because he wasn't even sure who's side _he_ was on. "I just can't deal with never knowing what page Connor is on."

Tyler said nothing.

Troye felt the quiet pressing him to elaborate, "I kept telling him lies. I let him think that I can wait, that I'm okay remaining a secret. But then I felt so shut out. Like he's ashamed of me. And I can't get through to him, Ty." Troye fidgeted with his hands; he wasn't ready to give up, but he didn't know what his next move would be. "Sometimes, he's just off. Overly nervous or tired. And I think- I think I found pills, Ty."

"Troye-" but Troye didn't hear him. He was overwhelmed by the reality of hearing his innermost worries aloud. 

"I did research, Ty, these are all symptoms of drug abuse." Troye counted on his fingers, "Paranoia. Mood swings. Being withdrawn. Lack of interest in previous passions- he wants to quit YouTube." Troye sighed, bracing him to actually voice the worst one as he put up another finger: "Ending relationships with loved ones."

Neither spoke for another agonizingly long minute. 

Troye continued, his voice oddly strained, "And you know what's terrible? I walked out, I left him alone. And I don't have the guts to confront him."

Monologue over, Tyler finally felt it was appropriate to talk. "He really didn't tell you?" Tyler walked over and sat next to Troye, one hand on Troye's knee. "Connor's fighting a heavy case of depression. Not drug abuse."

Troye’s head still hung low, and Tyler could make out the sounds of sniffles. "I found an empty pill bottle with the new one, Tyler."

"Troye, you _need_ to talk to him. Of all people, you should know what's going on. It's not fair of him to keep you in the dark. And we need to know how bad this really is."

Troye buried his face in Tyler's shoulders. His breathing was ragged and shallow. Something about hearing "we" broke a dam inside of Troye and he was crying.

**********

Neither of them could have known the bad place Connor was in during that short two day period. It had all become too much for Connor.

Without his support system and his go-to-distraction, Connor had extra time to dwell on everything he didn't know.  He couldn't discern if he was gay or bi or in between. He had no idea what he wanted out of their relationship. But more importantly, he was terrified of the unknown future.

Left alone to the chore of making videos, Connor was miserable. He couldn’t find the strength to be creative, so he went for a Q and A. And it was so hard. In an attempt to appear okay, Connor used every single one of his signature phrases. He could feel how cheesy he must sound, and every few seconds his persona would falter.

The long breaks of contemplation made editing that much more painful, so that Connor ended up leaving in some self-degrading comments. Surely no one would second-guess “I hate myself” if it was followed by a jump cut to “Zing! Hoo!”

And so Connor was lonely but managing, until the second day when the Troyler videos came out.

After wandering around the house, ignoring his friends’ invites out, and eating almost nothing, he had finally given himself a break from editing. He found his twitter was flooded with the Boyfriend Tag and the Face Painting collab. Connor’s stomach swam as he read comment after comment.

He convinced himself that he was losing Troye, the boy who had been his only source of comfort. Even if he could get Troye back, he could foresee all the hate he'd get for breaking up Troyler. People would not only hate him for being- uh- not straight- they’d attack him for being not-straight with the wrong boy. Anyone would believe Connor to be a homewrecker.

Connor walked to the bathroom, his legs felt as heavy as lead. Bending over the bathroom sink, he carefully picked up his head to look at himself in the mirror. His dark circles were back and the creases by his eyes were more pronounced. Connor slipped down to the floor, his knees pulled to his chest and his head in his hands. It took him over an hour to decide to text Troye. No response.

Connor reached up into the drawer to his left, and withdrew a small orange bottle. Turning it over and over in his hand, Connor read each precaution and ingredient. _Don’t do it, Connor. Not again._ Connor normally took one anti-depressant a day, but he had previously exceeded the quota. _You don’t do this anymore. You’ve gotten better._

He took a deep exhale as if trying to rid his lungs of the thoughts that were gradually crushing him. Connor steadied himself as he stood up. Leaving his phone behind but bringing the bottle, Connor trekked back to his room to burrow himself in his covers.

**********

Tyler dropped Troye off at the O2L house at 9:56 pm. Wishing to slip in unnoticed, Troye went around to the back. No cars were in the driveway besides Connor’s, but _that might not be such a good thing_ , Troye realized. His thoughts collected, Troye felt extremely guilty for leaving Connor alone.

He let himself in, gripping a small notebook and gritting his teeth.

When Troye finally got upstairs and noiselessly entered Connor’s room, his blood went cold. A hand was hanging over the bed, an orange bottle on the floor.

“Connor!” Troye screamed; he was by the bed side in a millisecond, shaking Connor.

“Mmm? _Stoppp.”_

“Oh thank god…” Troye sunk beside the bed, his knees weak. He had assumed the absolute worst, but Connor had been sleeping.

Giving Connor a moment to sit up and register who was there, Troye climbed onto the bed to sit next to him. “We need to talk.”

“Why’d you come back?” Connor whispered.

“Connor, please, hear me out. You’re keeping things from me. This isn’t you.”

“What do you mean?” There was fear in Connor’s voice.

“I mean the pills.”

Now it was Connor’s turn to sob. Troye clutched him as he apologized profusely. For the longest time, Troye didn’t even respond. When the tears stopped, as Troye stroked Connor’s hair and hugged him close, Troye said, “I’m only sorry you didn’t tell me. I want to help.” They stayed like that for hours, until they fell asleep tangled together. Troye hadn’t addressed everything, but he finally pinpointed the root of the problem.

**********

**February 19 th**

Troye woke up Connor with multiple light pokes in the stomach. “Con! I finished it!”

“Wha-?”

Troye waved his little notebook in front of Connor’s face. Connor squinted, blinded by the light coming in through his window. He could make out the words, “Happy Little Pill.” _Oh, right, the song._ Connor hadn’t seen it yet because anytime he tried to get near that notebook, Troye would slam it shut.

Troye and Connor had ultimately discussed everything Connor was dealing with, and Troye had, now understanding the whole situation, come to terms with their current status of secrecy. As of now, only Tyler, Ricky, J.C., and Kian knew about the couple. They were keeping it at a minimum, but everyone had been extremely supportive, helping Connor relax around Troye again.

“Sing it for me, Troye Boy.”

Troye cleared his throat, “ _My happy little pill, take me away, dry my eyes, bring color to my skies._ ”

“Wow.” Connor said softly. Troye blushed. “Your voice is so… _wow_.”

Troye leaped back into the bed and squeezed him, snuggling close.

“But- Troye- uh, I don’t want you to see me only for my illness. I never really saw the pills as a happy source of comfort, y’know?”

“Don’t you get it? You’re my little pill. _You_ fix me, help me, whatever. The song is saying that all I want is to be the same for you.” 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to be notified when I update, follow me at conconsivan.tumblr.com.  
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> (This is the end of part 1, but there's a part 2 and 3 that will be under the series title 3 Songs For Connor.)


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